i love you and goodbye.

dear zack. i tend to write you a letter everytime you leave me. a letter that i think you will most likely never read. you always end up finding it somehow. :) like when you left for college.. i wrote all the things i missed about us. all the things we did together and all our inside jokes. tonight, i write you this letter because i want to letyou know that i love my big brother. you left me a week and four days ago. and you wont be back this time. for seven hundred and nineteen days. one year, fifty weeks, and three days to be exact. i miss you already. im always wondering where you are and what you are doing. and when i sit on the couch at two in the morning i wait for you to walk through the door so we can immediately go watch friends. but i eventually fall asleep and in the morning you are not there. although i know you have to be gone, and for good reason, haha, i cant help but want you to come back. im all alone with the parentals these days. i have no outlet for my "freakish/weirdest person you will ever meet" ways. just wanted to tell you that you are seriously the best big brother and the best friend that any little sister in the world could ever have. we have gotten so close as we have gotten older. everythings changing now that were older, and im not sure that i like it. but i know itsgonna get better. i cant believe that my brother, my best friend is gone. but i love that you would never give up what your doing. you are so strong and such an amazing example to me. you are one of a kind, kid. matt and trevor said they would be my new big brothers, but dude, you definitely are irreplacable. the day you come home will be the happiest day for me. and i cant wait. untill then, i know that you will be so amazing at everything you are going to do. you will have so much success because you are such an awesome kid and i love you for that. thank you for everythin you have ever done for me. i love you and goodbye. love syd.

collaboration of thoughts.

sometimes i feel like i preach loudly, but with my hands over my own ears. and when really the only person that needs to listen is myself. i dont want to be anything other than me. im surronded by liars. imposters. am i the only one to notice? i cant be the only one whos learned. im tired of wondering who im supposed to be. part of knowing where im going is knowing where im coming from. i just want to be me. now i know better. i believe everything happens for a reason. people change. and things go wrong. and sometimes good things fall apart. but it makes you learn to appreciate the right things and lets you learn to let go. and sometimes better things fall together. but through all of this i will not let my fire go out. spark by irreplaceable spark. i will not let the hero in my soul vanish. my life is all over the place. a mess. but i love life. and this is the road to the new world. this past week with him leaving.. ive done a lot of thinking. i cant have theose crazy conversations about all our views and basically everything anymore. so ill just tell you a few things ive been thinking about lately. ive come to a conclusion. dont criticize. condemn. or complain. especially dont complain. and give honest and sincere appreciation. sometimes the chance will slip through your fingers and it wont come back and you will definitely regret not telling someone how much you appreciate them. trust me i know. once in a while people step up. rise above themselves. sometimes they fall short. life is funny sometimes. it can push pretty hard. but if you look close enough, you can find hope. in the words of children, in the bars of a song. or in the eyes of someone you love. and if your lucky, the luckiest person on the planet, that person might decide to love you back. the end. ps sometimes they fall short.